Warning: This post contains coarse language. I thought about prettying it up, but decided against it. This blog is about truth-my truth and the truth about the astonishing frequency of medical errors-and the truth is often ugly. Jack Nicholson shouting, “You can’t handle the truth!” in A Few Good Men is one of the great scenes in cinema. I use the language that best suits the idea I am trying to communicate to my readers. If you can’t handle coarse vocabulary or strong feelings, do not read on.
I am pissed! Okay, that is not news. That is a oft-experienced emotional state for me, especially since November 2016, if you get my drift. The news flash is that last week I found out my cancer numbers are rising after being in steady decline for months. And that REALLY PISSES ME OFF because I SHOULD NOT BE in this situation! I am here because Cashen and Comer FUCKED UP MY CARE! And I am not handling it very well right now.
My current oncologist said not to be alarmed (easy for him to say). We will test again at the end of February and see what’s up then. My life is not in danger at present. The numbers are still well within the chronic range. However, my quality of life IS in danger of plummeting. If I have to increase my Sprycel from 20 to 40 mgs. (it doesn’t come in 10s or 30s and cannot be cut in half), the side effects I experience are much more pronounced, especially the fatigue. What’s more, I fear the chance that my drug allergy will return is very good on a higher dose.
I try to tell myself to stay in the moment. At this very moment everything is okay. I try to pray. I try to meditate. But all I do is agitate myself with “what ifs” and “if onlys.”
As I have said before, I am not looking for pity. What I am doing is grasping at ways to cope with a really fucked up situation. I would love to forgive, forget and move on, but I don’t know how to do that. So, I will keep blogging, contacting lawyers, and efforting (yes, I know that’s not a word but I use it for my friend Steve and to make myself laugh) to get a political ally to sponsor legislation to require medical providers to behave ethically since doing so does not come naturally to many of them.
Thank you for reading. Venting does help, momentarily anyway.